retired_sherri

In answer to your questions I'm not sure as yet, I've only got as far as the end of the first close season so I think I'll just play a second string team for the league games and fit friendlies around. Hope that cat out of the bag doesn't impinge on the true flow of the story.

v. APO Fostiras Athens

With our recent defensive form an utter shambles this was the game where that was all going to change, not that our opening would have given that impression. A sluggish centre back pairing of Bayliss and Taylor stood and watched as on 14 minutes Kartalis picked up the ball half way inside our half and ran straight at goal unleashing a powerful shot that skimmed along the tips of the grass into the bottom right corner. 1-0 Fostiras. The rest of the half was punctuated by mis-hit shots and woeful passing by both sides, fizzling out into nothing.

I found it difficult to be critical at half time. After all 1-0 down at half time is a relative success for the mighty Lancaster City. However, likewise I couldn’t be positive, so I left Chris to give the one-on-one orders to each of the players whilst I supped at my carton of orange juice through a straw with a slight scowl on my face. The second half started equally as dull as the first half finished. Fry with the only thing to get me out of my seat when he went close with a long distance effort, but it was comfortable for the keeper. The only excitement came on 72 minutes when off the ball Bayliss shoved Mitsis and the Greek firmly planted his rear on the floor, much like a toddler who was still a bit shaky on his feet. The red card from Reto Rutz almost guaranteed there was no return and although Blinkhorn forced a smart save from the Fostiras keeper, the game once again calmed down into nothingness.

This game was winnable and on reflection we didn’t capitalise on what was some awful midfield play by Fostiras but on the bright side we only conceded one goal, that hadn’t happened since… well, ever!

APO Fostiras Athens (1) Lancaster City (0)

retired_sherri

Game 20 – Heraklion, Crete, Greece

The wonders of modern ferries meant that as I sat eating a breakfast of croissants and coffee I could check my emails on Chris’ laptop computer. The scheduled seven hour crossing from Athens to Crete provided some much needed time to sit alone, collect my thoughts and sift through the junk mail that my inbox seems to attract on a daily basis. Mr Boissy from West Africa wanted to give me $16m, I could get a special deal on pills to “enhance your performance” and HMV had a buy one get free deal on twice the price DVDs. I scrolled down wondering who actually ever took any notice of these emails and saw nestled among the vast amount of junk an email from the Mrs. I clicked on it to see the short but sweet message “I hope you’re having fun hunny, missing you loads, it’s lonely here without you. Play safe, love you x x x”. A pang of homesickness hit my chest and sunk to the pit of my stomach making me feel decidedly queasy (though that may have just been the gentle rise and fall of the ferry). Below the message a scanned image of a local press cutting loaded, the headline read in large letters “Lacklustre Lancaster”, I had to hand it to the journalists, 10 out of 10 for headline originality. I skimmed the article, though the title said it all. It seemed back home we were half way between legendary status as the worst football team ever and a bit of an embarrassment. At least out here I didn’t have to worry about fans getting on my back. As I went to close the laptop a big dollop of apricot marmalade oozed from the croissant I was holding in my hand, splattering on the keys. I wiped it off as best I could and it wasn’t until several days later Chris asked me if I knew why the G and T keys were sticking when pressed. I, of course, proclaimed I hadn’t a clue.

As the ferry began to dock at Heraklion port I gathered the lads up intent on giving a motivational speech that would have put Greek gods to shame, but all that came out was a weak pun about not losing our way in the Labyrinth. I felt lacklustre and the current rate of success on this trip was starting to weigh on my mind. What would happen if I went back home having lost all 80 games, my short-lived career in management would surely be over but more importantly I’d never be able to show my face in our local pub ever again for fear of the utter ribbing I’d get. I then weighed that up against the pros of getting to see the world paid for out of Chris’ wallet and perked up slightly as I walked along the gangplank and off to find an air-conditioned bar.

We arrived at the new Pankritiko Stadium, which had been newly built as a venue for some of the 2004 Athens Olympics’ football games, with plenty of time to prepare. Priority number one was to keep the defence tight and our only real attacking option was to try and release Matty Blinkhorn on the break. Maybe we could make a game out of it, but our opponents were a top flight side, so it was never going to be a stroll in the park.

retired_hern1001

This Chris fellow must be slightly insane to pay for your entire trip.

Very entertaining still :thup:

retired_sherri

v. OFI Crete

The game started promisingly when Payne rocketed in a 30 yard free kick straight at goal, but OFI keeper Simos managed to beat the ball away. On 6 minutes though our defensive frailties reared their ugly head again. A long ball was knocked down into no man’s land and our midfield were nowhere in sight to win it allowing Drulic to play in Bantis who coolly slotted past a stricken Ashton. Our misery was compounded several minutes later when Konstantinou intercepted a poor pass in our own half and ran straight for goal shooting across Ashton into the far corner. OFI sat back and a minute before half time we received a little bit of luck. A corner was only half cleared making its way to Platts on the left wing. Platts had the time and space to whip in a cross which evaded everyone. Everyone except Konstantinou at the back post who, under pressure from Blinkhorn, stuck a leg out and turned the ball into his own net. More by luck than judgement we had clawed ourselves back into the game on the stroke of half time.

A good start to the second half culminated in a through ball which found Blinkhorn in behind the defensive line with only the keeper to beat. Racing towards Simos, Blinkhorn unselfishly squared the ball to Spike on the edge of the area, who passed into the open goalmouth. 2-2 and we had a chance. On 75 minutes any chance of the win seemed to evaporate in a rush of blood to the head for Bayliss. Already on a yellow card he cynically body checked Drulic earning him a second yellow and an early exit. I immediately brought on Swan for Spike, leaving just Blinkhorn up front. We needed to hang on, and we did, well for five minutes we did. Despite some heroic saves from Ashton the extra man was too much for us to cope with and Pavlidis benefitted from not one but two unbelievable showings of generosity from Taylor. In the first instance a wayward pass from Taylor allowed Pavlidis a clear run on goal, and Ashton just couldn’t get his finger tips to the curling shot this time. In the second Taylor seemed to freeze like a rabbit in headlights, he looked down at the ball at his feet, and then up at Pavlidis who was just about to steam past him, taking the ball in his stride. Ashton went to ground early only for Pavlidis to lift it over the oncoming keepers body and into the net. It was bitterly disappointing as I thought we had played with heart and the right attitude, but ultimately we didn’t hold our discipline when it truly mattered.

OFI Crete (4) Lancaster City (2)

retired_sherri

Game 21 – Paphos, Cyprus

We managed to catch a lift on a Greek Merchant ship for the spare change in the team’s collective pocket. We were, quite literally, banking on the hope the further east we headed the cheaper travel and sustenance would get, and anyway our surplus Euros were of little use as we plotted a course to leave Europe, which made the trip seem relatively bargainous. The mess room was crowded with everyone and all their belongings, in fact I was quite sure the captain was breaking all sorts of rules and regulations, but I guess the extra income for himself and his crew is well worth the risk. The ship was laden with crates and crates of cargo. Food, drink, books, electronics and even, supposedly, a crate of footballs, though I got the impression the Greek captain was pulling our leg by that point. We whiled our time away playing cards and discussing what we could do to improve our recent form, the most common suggestions involving excessive alcohol and various forms of debauchery, though I did point out that I had serious doubts that such actions would improve performances on the pitch.

I had been on holiday to Cyprus before and had met and spoke with Paphos manager Kostas Iliadis. Having entered a local five-a-side tournament and won with four other holidaying acquaintances a fair few summers ago, he had attempted to sign me, not knowing I already had a professional contract back home in blighty. However, he did sign my 5-a-side team mate Eddie Stanford. Chris and I walked up the path to the address I had for Kostas. The villa looked fairly lavish, well, at least in comparison to the terraced Victorian house I had grown up in, which whilst well built and spacious had none of the modern day luxuries of a Mediterranean villa. Oddly enough as I strolled through the immaculately kept front garden I didn’t think as to whether Kostas would remember me, my thoughts were more occupied with why the grass in down here was not as soft and bouncy as the green stuff back home. Chris knocked on the door and a diminutive man with sleek grey hair opened the door.

“Martin…” Kostas exclaimed whilst opening his arms, “if you’re here for that contract, you’re far too old now” he joked. A good start by all means.

“Kostas, no, no contract for me, you wouldn’t want me now anyway, the knees stopped working a while ago, I’m in the management game just like you now. This is Chris, my brother-in-law, we’ve got a team and would love to be able to play your Paphos team as part of our world tour.”

“Ahhh, yes, yes of course I will arrange a game for tomorrow, not 5-a-side this time so I’m sure we won’t let you English win this time round” Kostas jibed.

“Well our record hasn’t been too good so far” Chris chirped in “we’ve yet to win a game in the last 20, so we’re not in the best of form”

Pleasantries were exchanged and Kostas invited us to stay the afternoon in his villa, and we duly obliged. Sitting around the pool supping on a cold beer was a very amiable alternative to a cold Tuesday evening in the dugout at Stalybridge. It was a great surprise when Eddie Stanford walked up to the edge of the pool and said “Hello squire, fancy seeing you here” to me.

The short conversation between old mates was interrupted by Kostas who, rather randomly interjected “Tomorrow Eddie will play for you.”

“Erm, I don’t Understand” I replied.

“Well gaffer, I’m looking for a move back home, I’ve played in Poland and Cyprus, but really I’d like to play in England again at some point.” Eddie continued his spiel, “Give me a run out, if I get on well I’ll come with you. Kostas has relieved me of any contractual requirements here.”

Seemed like a good deal to me. I knew from playing with him those years ago that the bloke had skill and pace for a winger and was of a decent standard, so if he had retained some of that, he could be useful. It wasn’t until I had arrived back at our hotel that I learnt Eddie’s plight was more useful that I first thought. Platts, our left winger, had apparently bruised his ribs attempting a somersault from a diving board at the hotel swimming pool but belly flopping instead. Maybe it was a sign.

retired_sherri

v. AE Pafos

The game started slowly as the summer sun drenched the 600 or so spectators in brilliant light and a stifling 38 °C heat. Stanford started the game on the wing, but apart from that it was an unchanged team and it wasn’t long before we were under the cosh yet again. Some intelligent passing from Pafos scythed through our back four only for Dimosthenous to snatch at his opening and send the ball flying over. Stanford was working superbly down the left hand side and halfway through the first half found Blinkhorn between two defenders but Blinkhorn’s shot lacked any vigour and Assiotis parried the ball behind. The first half ended with a flurry of Pafos pressure, but a mixture of last ditch defending, superb shot stopping from Ashton and generally poor finish from the Cypriots let us reach the break still with our clean sheet intact.

The second half started much the same as the first half finished, however far from holding steady it took Pafos 9 minutes to break our resilience. A corner was duly cleared, but only as far as Georgiou who shot hard towards the top corner. Ashton fantastically tipped it onto the bar only for the rebound to fall to Alexandrou for a simple nod into the empty goalmouth. With a one goal lead, Pafos lined up more defensively, so I brought on Zico Black for Spike to freshen up the attacking options, but it made no difference. Our golden chance came in the 80th minute when Egomitis clumsily barged into Black on the edge of the area and we had a shooting chance from the resultant free kick. Fry, however, managed to squander it by shooting straight at Assiotis. In the closing minutes Taylor came off injured, but despite 4 minutes of added time we couldn’t get enough of the ball to carve out any more chances.

1-0 perhaps flattered us given how little we actually created and how much Pafos dominated the proceedings. Despite the performance, the result was again promising and if we could just keep the defence tight, ride our luck and nick a goal here and there I’m sure that first win is just around the corner. The other promising thing to come out of the match was that Eddie Stanford would most definitely be joining us.

AE Pafos (1) Lancaster City (0)

retired_swmchick2006

Nice work Chonner, finally able to catch up to where I finished a few weeks ago. :thup:

Love the route maps. :thup:

retired_sherri

Well lucky you attjen, as another one is due right now

Route to Game 21

retired_w0lfpack1

Congratulations, Chonner - for those of you who may not know, this story won Best Story Idea and Funniest Story at the FMS Awards 2007.

Well deserved, mate!!

retired_swmchick2006

Absolutely deserved. Well done man!