Welwyn

I don’t think I’ll ever get over Laura. Not fully anyway. I still wake up at times from Nightmares of me having this hellish mental image of the bus & her lying on the floor in a pool of blood & oh god, I don’t want to think about it, I’m in tears now.

I don’t only think about that. I often think about the good times we spent together. The night I proposed to her in particular. The sheer genius of ‘The Phantom of the Opera’, the brilliance of the music, the extravagance of the restaurant but more importantly the beauty of ‘my Christine’ Laura & the happiness of her face when she said that one little wonderful word, ‘Yes’.

What I’m guilty of at the minute. I think now, is how little my relationship with Jahiya matters to me in comparison with my relationship with Laura.

I hear so many songs, about love, death & loss. The truth is I have not heard a single song that comes even close to how I feel about Laura, every single day. Think about it, walk into Virgin Megastore in Oxford Street & there must be what, Millions, if not Billions of minutes of music. I’d bet you anything that there isn’t a single minute of it that can remotely describe how I feel.

What I’m trying to say is that there is no point in me trying to explain how I feel about Laura, because there just aren’t the words to explain it. Certainly not in the English language anyway.

I’m just going to have to face it. Laura was not only something that was special & unrepeatable. It is not only going to stay with me, but also it’s going to affect the way I look on my relationships with anybody else, forever.

Welwyn

October 2008 (cont.)

It would’ve been a relief to get back to work! Flipping Heck, I can’t believe I just said that. It would’ve been, if the first news I received when I got off the plane was that Alvaro strained his wrist in a weights session and is out for a couple of weeks.

Still, Mathieu Berson has resumed training & at least I’m not Bernd Schuster…In the job club, sacked as boss of Getafe!

Alaves (A)

I didn’t feel relieved at Half Time, well, I did but, not about being back at work. I was only relieved that it was still 0-0. Dire. Outplayed. Goal Line Clearances. Convey Injured. NOT GOOD!

A minute later I felt rather better. Straight from kick-off controlled the ball, lovely passing, with Oskitz beating his man & sticking the football in the net. As Bill Shankly used to say; ‘It’s better in there!’

His 2nd, 10 minutes later, was even better! Tommasi wins it in midfield, does the simple thing & plays the way he’s facing to O’ Brien. Plays a 1-2 with Baumjohann, committing the full-back in the process. Then he plays this unbelievably beautiful, cutting through-ball, which puts Sharp in. Billy’s unselfish, commits keeper, roles it to the unmarked Oskitz, 2-0! GET IN!

ME: ‘Now that is, by far the best team goal EVER scored by a team of mine!’
MICK: ‘Well, there was that one Matthew Taylor scored when you were skipper of the U-18’s against Southampton in the F.A. Youth Cup. You put 25 passes together & Matthew Spring back heeled it through to him!’
ME: ‘I Remember that! Poor Matty Upson was the only player not to touch the ball!’

Malaga (A) (Spanish Cup 4th Round, 1st Leg)

So the fringe players had a go. Proving in the process why they are only fringe players. Still, Malaga also proved why they are not in La Liga with their finishing. Something Danny Graham then showed he had (about time to) & scored his 1st goal for Levante & gives us a 1-0 away win.

Recreativo (H)

ME: ‘I’ll stick my hands up, my mistake. We were creating 1st half, we even had a goal disallowed (albeit fairly) but I take Sharp of for Graham & then we create nothing in the 2nd half. Just a boring 0-0 flipping draw.’
MICK: ‘You’d better hold your hands up. It all your flipping fault! Nah mate, can’t get everything right can ya!’
ME: ‘Way ay Man!’
MICK: ‘Don’t take the **** out me accent you ****, Else I’ll lamp ya one. I’m a Mackem, not a Geordie!’

Mick Laughs, I’m actually scared ****less. I mean its Mick Harford. Who wouldn’t be? I’d hardly be more scared if it was Jimmy Case & Mick Kennedy’s lovechild.

Zaragoza (H)

Flipping Heck. That was ******* brutal. I’m not even sure that was a game of football. The physio’s were doing more work than the players. How nobody went off on a stretcher or was sent off I don’t know. We both had our chances to score but really, that was like watching a Watford game! You’d have almost needed to be an idiot to try & score in that mess.

Still, another point, 11 games gone & 12th… nowt wrong with that!.

Welwyn

November 08

Sevilla (A)

‘Damn, I could’ve come to terms with it if we’d have conceded a wonder goal but a goal like that, with a defensive slip from Tokic.’

‘Oh, come on Steve! We ain’t conceded in 4 games previous to that. It was always gonna happen some time or another man.’ Mick chirped.

‘But still, 1-0 like that. Flipping annoying.’

Malaga (H) (Spanish Cup 4th Round 2nd Leg)

Another run out for the fringe players, who were awful & sent the game to penalties by losing 0-1. Not good. Particularly if we chuck the shoot-out away from a winning position. I need the international break just to recover from this!

----------------------------.

‘There was a time
I was everything and nothing all in one
When you found me
I was feeling like a cloud across the sun

I need to tell you
How you light up every second of the day
But in the moonlight
You just shine like a beacon on the bay

And I can't explain
But it's something about the way you look tonight
Takes my breath away
It's that feeling I get about you, deep inside
And I can't describe
But it's something about the way you look tonight
Takes my breath away
The way you look tonight’

‘Oi! Stop it!’ Bravo shouts. ‘Turn that crap off.’

‘Why?’

‘Because it’s tacky & cheesy & worst of all, made by a WATFORD FAN! Does that not mean anything to you.’ (Typical Bravo! Luton primary thought!)

‘Well, you can’t be too hard on him committing the cardinal sin if he makes great music. Besides, I’m day-dreaming about Laura.’

‘I thought you were over her. Well anyway, have you seen the newspapers today?’ Bravo quipped. ‘Diarra’s put his hand up for the mistake against Malaga & is promising to make up for it.’

‘Well, A) it appears I’m not as it happens & B) I’d have preferred him to promise it to me in private. But, if he wants the extra media & fan pressure, then let him have it!’

‘Oh, by the way.’ He added with his head halfway out the door. ‘I was having a little chat with Billy Sharp earlier & he was talking about his lack of goals in a way that made me suggest he’s getting down about it. I suggest a little chat.’

‘Damn JB! I really shouldn’t have hired you when your contracts at Palace & Charlton ran out at the end of October.’

‘Why?’ Bravo looked back quizzically

‘Cause your too ****** good at your job! You make the rest of us look bad!’

Athletico (H)

The international week didn’t really work for us either. Josu & Halfreðsson getting injured for Peru & Iceland respectively. Still, neither being a 1st XI player, we have contingencies for that.

What you can’t provide contingencies for is losing a game that you played decently in because of a Lopez free-kick special & a pinball machine goal from Seitaridis meaning that Sharp’s drought ending goal means jack-all!

But there’s worse to come:

Valencia (A)

The Valencia derby & my 100th game in management over my time at Santander & Levante, not a landmark I want the players to worry about but a nice one for me. Having said that, playing 1st away in the derby game wasn’t really the way I wanted to celebrate it!

Why are they 1st? Ask David Villa, Joaquin & Carlos Tevez. 4-0 it finished, 4 ****** 0! Not only that, we got off lightly. As much as 4-0 in the derby is lightly.

Barcelona (H)

Ahhhh, don’t you just love it when a plan comes together. Lucau looked fired up all week in training. Bring him in as reward against Barca, scores the equaliser after 76th minutes. Bring him off for Oskitz whose freshness tells immediately as him & Sharp pull the Barca defence this way & that 3 minutes later to make it 2-1.

Now, if only we could find a way of stopping Messi scoring a wonder-goal to equalise with 8 minutes left!

I got some kind comments from Rijkaard too. Saying we should avoid relegation easily. Being in the relegation zone, 2 points from safety, I wish I could be so optimistic.

Spav

I like the different way that you relate the story - it's quite unique. KUTGW Welwyn :cool:

Welwyn

December ‘08

1st good thing this month, Watford are in such disarray they’ve sacked Steve Bruce. Bad news, they are comfortably 15th in the table, so they aren’t going down just yet. Bringing Paul Jewell in within a few days.

Villarreal (H)

89th minute-Edge of Technical area:
‘Oh COME ON! Why can’t we frigging finish? We should be 3 or 4 nil up by now! For Goodness sake! THIS IS SHO…..AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! YEAH! What a hit Granty boy, What a hit!’
*Turns to Mick & Bravo*
In trio: ‘You just don’t save those!’

It was nice to get a call in the week from the chairman about our T.V. games for the New Year. O.K, it’s slightly obvious, Madrid & Barcelona away, but it’s nice to know nonetheless.

Real Sociedad (A)

There we go! If we finish well, we win games like this. Lucau has two chances, scores them both & it doesn’t even matter that they scored a great free-kick cause we win anyway.

On top of that the 6 assists by Felix Dja Ettien this season is already a club record. Good on him, he’s forced his way into my team & added some end product to his undoubted ability. Well done him. Onto the Christmas break we go.

Christmas was awful. It’s a time to be with the one’s you love & although it was nice to see my family & particularly good to meet up with Toni & Beth again. It was the loved one that wasn’t there that loomed over me.

I was going to see Jahiya over the period & Christmas in Moscow with snow & the beauty of the city itself, was rather appealing but just after the Sociedad game she rang me to say she had met a more local guy with whom she saw herself having a more long term relationship. So that was that idea down the ‘George’. (oops, I’d better explain that one to you. ‘Down the shooter’ becomes ‘down the George’ because of the rugby player George Chuter, pronounced Shooter)

So that was Christmas, it came, it went, it was awful & to be quite frank, you can have it back.

Things got worse when I got back too. Alvaro’s done himself an injury in the weights room, meaning he’s out for a month. Ivan Cuellar’s other half did a poor job with the Christmas dinner & he’s got food poisoning although he should miss any games. I’m having to umm & ahh about the futures of old-stagers Ian Harte, Ulises de la Cruz & Antoine Sibierski who all now have only 6 months left on their contracts & my new attempt to try & get Mario Tokic to sign a new contract failed dramatically so now the bosman boys will probably be sniffing with pre-contracts.

Welwyn

Sorry about the delay over this next update. Just got very emotional trying to write it myself.

Welwyn

New Year’s Eve

December 31st, that’s what it should be called…well, in my mind anyway. Just another day in the calendar, another ordinary 1/365th in the year. It isn’t though is it? It’s New Year’s Eve, full of hopes & aspirations, resolutions & beginnings. Not for me it’s not. Certainly, when I think about it, it hasn’t since Laura died. Since I was saved from oblivion by Mick dragging me back to the football world, all my hopes, aspirations, resolutions & new beginnings have come on the usually sunny August afternoons when my Luton kids/Santander/Levante players have trooped out for a new season. A blank script, everyone on 0 points. It’s corny & cheesy to say it, particularly as I’ve sort of nicked it from Nick Hornby, but it’s true. I now live my life in seasons not years.

Thinking about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way I ever got over the oblivion I was in after Laura’s death to even become a normal(ish!) person again was to absolve myself into the footballing world so much, that I actually turned it into a sort of parallel universe totally different to the one that caused me all that emotional pain & suffering.

Usually we’d all go out to get absolutely hammered on New Year’s Eve & well, I’d join them. This year though, no amount of peer pressure would get me out for the night. I had more important things to think about.

So I did, I laid back on my bed, stuck on my copious collection of Pink Floyd CD’s & DVD’s (see, I’m not quite a musical moron!) & spent the night thinking about…well…everything really. About Jahiya & Toni, thinking that, to be fair, I must’ve made some progress this year because of them. The good times Laura & me had shared while she was alive. The image my imagination conjures up of how she may have looked after the crash, that still makes we weep, thinking about it. I even thought about football & Levante for a while! What really turned me into a shivering wreck though, was thinking about one night in particular. The night of 28th October 2001:

I wouldn’t, well I think the phase ‘emotionally couldn’t’ would be more apt, have told you this before. I must also stress that anyone who finds this shocking to read, I apologise, but I want it off my chest. That is because the 28th October 2001 was the night I attempted to commit suicide. As a result, it was also the night that MSN saved my life.

I had been really considering this move for a while, but for some reason I had chosen this to be the night, I can’t remember what that reason was, but there was one at the time. I’d made my final phone calls to friends & family, making the roundabout final goodbye speech that wouldn’t be obviously interpreted as such until after the event. Getting into several arguments with everyone along the way over some pretty mundane stuff. I believe this was my way of relieving myself of any preemptive guilt by proving that all these people didn’t really care about me & wouldn’t miss me.

I was just in the process of attempting to finish these by giving the same thing with Beth on MSN; however, she was proving very difficult for me to force an argument with her to the point where I just thought that there was no need to, as her life would be a lot easier without me. So I slanted my goodbyes & went to end it. Just as I was to go ahead with the act, god bless her, the phone rang & it was Beth. What made me pick it up, I still don’t know to this day, but I did. She’d obviously realised, what I was going to do somehow & managed to talk me round.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up at god knows what hour, weeping & with a knife lying next to me on the bed. I was that close to, if not killing myself at least making what would officially be considered an attempt to do so. To this day, Beth doesn’t know how close to the wire I was, even if I told her she probably wouldn’t believe me.

Dixie Flatline

Top notch, and also a Floyd fan.

Great work. Please, keep it up!

Dixie Flatline

Sorry. I was writing my comment while reading the last couple of paragraphs. Don't want to come over insensitive.

Still, keep up the good work.

Welwyn

January ‘08

I haven’t got a clue what time I stayed up until thinking about all that. It must’ve been pretty late though, considering when I woke up it was about 5pm. any later & I might as well have stayed in bed until the 2nd!

I don’t know what I feel about my thoughts from New Year’s Eve, I suppose I knew it’d all come up when I decided to stay in but, whether it was good or bad, I don’t know. All I do know is that it gave me the chance to turn the Pink Floyd DVD back on & sing & Air Guitar my way through the entirety of ‘Dark Side of the Moon’, obviously with the exception of ‘On the Run’ (for those of you who know the album).

Anyway, I was glad to go back to work on the 2nd & raid those bosman’s for the players that’d allow me to wave goodbye to Harte, De la Cruz & Sibierski. As well as prepare for the probable loss of Tokic.

Getafe (A)

I do enjoy being a head honcho, the boss, the gaffer or whatever you want to call me. I also enjoy living in Spain. However, it’s times like these that I was back working with the Luton kids. At least they’d blooming well listen!

Dire 1st half against bottom club Getafe puts us 1-0 down. So I give them a Half-Time rocket & what happens…absolutely nowt! That’s what happens, same dire performance in the 2nd half & we lose 1-0!

Things start going wrong on the Bosman front as well:
Hatem Trabelsi – Re-signs for Marseille
Ibrahim Camara – Turns us down flat
John O’ Shea – O.K. so that one was little more than a cheeky punt but it was worth a go. That’s all it turned out to be. A cheeky failed punt.
Hedwignes Maduro – Plumped for Athletico instead. Who can blame him, I can’t.

On the plus side, I finally got some interest in teams to take that useless lump Malcolm Christie’s huge wage bill off the wage bill on free transfer.

GimnÃ*stic (H)

I made a couple of changes. Well, I had to! On top of that, I decided to go for a relatively large step by dropping Sibierski off the bench & replacing him with B team prospect Tino, who has 21 goals in 15 games.

With the 1st half being quite even, punctuated by the reducing of GimnÃ*stic to 10 men, I thought it was time to give Tino his head and took off 1 of my defensive midfielders to go with 2 central strikers.

It was the other half-time sub that did the damage though. 2 goals from Oskitz, 2-0 Levante. YISSSS!

Malcolm Christie left for Albacete the next day. It still leaves me over the equivalent of almost £7k over my wage budget. So I offered Mathieu Berson to various clubs for £2m. Yes he is a decent player but not being a 1st XI regular, £12k a week is an awful lot of money. However, no interest was forthcoming.

It was then that I got a start shock. Wednesday night, relaxing at home & suddenly the door goes. Now tonight I actually wanted a quite night in, so I just shouted at Bravo to go away.

‘Who?’… ‘Oh, Bravo…your not still calling him that are you?’

That was the 1st shock; it wasn’t Bravo at the door. It was also a female voice that knew me. The cogs in my mind don’t work as well as they did before I was a manager, it sort of takes over your mind. However, I thought about what I’d been thinking about on New Year’s Eve, for some reason (My brain has always had a panache for going off at weird tangents!). That’s when it clicked…

‘It isn’t...
...is it?'

‘I think you’ll find it is.’

‘Abigail flipping Reynolds? What the hell are you doing here?’

Now, I’ll probably need to explain what me trying to commit suicide & Abigail Reynolds have in common for me to relate the two. Well, ‘Abbey’ used to live in the flat above mine. Which, of course, I was then kicked out of about 2 months after the suicide attempt (See another tangent). Anyway, after I’d woken up from the suicide attempt, still shaking, I was off to the kitchen to put the knife away. It was at that moment that the doorbell rang. It was Abbey, who had heard the commotion upstairs from earlier on & was wondering what had gone on. It was then that I opened up to her. I’d never really talked to her beforehand, for all I know, she probably thought I was someone who used to be quite civilized but was now going off the rails. That was it. I got kicked out a couple of months later & we’d never talked since.

‘Please, its Abbey remember & I’ve now got a great job over here.’

‘But, a) why have you come to see me? & b) how did you even know I was here; you don’t like football or know anything about it? Let alone know that someone who used to live in the flat below you now is the manager of some obscure Spanish side’

‘Well, a) I wanted to see how on earth you sorted yourself out & in relation to b) us girls have a way of finding things out on the grapevine if we want to.’

‘I don’t think I’ll ever understand you girls…ever. You’re a total flaming mystery!’

‘Half the time, I don’t even think we understand ourselves!’

That produced a laugh from me, I found that hysterical. The rest of the night continued in that way. Abbey has a brilliant sense of humour. Well, a sense of humour that makes me laugh anyway. It was a great night & I’d found a great friend from out of nowhere. Oh, before you lot even dare to ask, NO, nothing of that nature happened. What are you lot, vulgar!

Anyway, it all can’t be meeting old friends & having a good time. I’ve got a football club to manage.

Osasuna (H)

& Manage a football club I can. Pretty well if this is anything to go by. 2-0 against the side 8th in the league, Sharp in the 1st half before, with 10 minutes left John O’ Brien played a beautiful cross-field diagonal ball into the area that you knew Ettien was going to finished the game off with even before he received it. B-E-A-utiful! Not that we didn’t have some nervous moments but you can’t argue with 2-0 can you?

Celta Vigo (A)

How can a team pass the ball so well all half, create nothing & then, with practically the last kick of the half, score from a goalmouth scramble! I’m not complaining, it puts us 1-0 up with Sharpy starting to show some goal poaching ability that we all knew he had.

Except they go spoiling it by conceding within a minute of the 2nd half! That was followed were 3 of the goals of the season, scored within 12 minutes of each other!

1st, Ettien picks up the ball in his own half, beats 4 men, commits the keeper & then unselfishly squares it for Sharpy to stab home. 2-1 Us.
2nd, We head clear only to see it volleyed back into the top corner from 30 yards. 2-2.
3rd, Grant draws at cheap foul 30-odd yards out on the left & Lucau pops the free-kick in leaving the keeper no chance. 3-2 Us.

Thankfully, that was the end of the scoring; I don’t think I could’ve taken much more!

Betis (H)

Don’t you just love late winners? Particularly when you get 2 in the same game. We had no right to get anything out of this game. Yet we hung on & then, in the 88th minute, Grant sticks a corner home with his knee & in injury time, Oskitz & Halfreðsson combined in the spaces left by Betis going for broke, Oskitz finishes, 2-0, game over!

Just a shame Lee Peltier has now had too many yellow cards, so he’ll miss a game. On the plus side, young 18-year-old Chilean, Jamie Soto became the youngest ever Levante player. The youngster has great potential; the only problem is he’s an all-rounded midfielder, which doesn’t fit in with my still of 2 defensive midfielders on top of the back 4 & a support striker. Jamie’s such a talent though; I’ll have to find a way to fit him in somewhere.

So, as I sit here on January 31st, whilst all the other clubs are trying to make some desperate late additions to the squad, I’m sitting in front of the TV, smiling to myself. 7th in the league on 31 points, which is a full 12 points above the relegation zone. Why, I hear your ask, am I being so negative considering I’m 7th? I’ll tell you why, there are still 16 games left & the little matter of Real Madrid away tomorrow!